THE SUPER MOON: SOMETIMES ALL YOU CAN DO IS CARE, NOT CARETAKE

 © 2014 Photo Courtesy of Tom Parr

When I was first diagnosed with cancer my family and close friends rallied around me.  They built a fortress of love that gave me confidence that I could get through the rough times to come.  I was touched beyond measure and it was absolutely what I needed.  But as time went on and all the necessary practices were put into place I heard from some people less and less and I started to feel as if I'd faded into the woodwork.  

You see, I prided myself on being strong so I often downplayed my needs.  I'm good at that.  What I'm not good at is asking for help.  It's one thing to have people volunteer it, it's another thing to put yourself out on a limb and say you need it.  So I didn't.  I put up a great front of strength and people followed right in step by thinking I was handling everything, but I wasn't.  

One morning I woke up and saw postings all over Facebook (yes, I am one of "those" people) about the super moon that had been out the night before.  Dramatic photographs of a swollen globe hovering above the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, and the entire cityscape. The super moon?  Why, I hadn't even known that there was such a thing.  I felt cheated. Why did I have to be sequestered in my basement apartment in Brooklyn where I wouldn't have known about it?  Why had no one called and told me to step outside?  Sadness washed over me and I had a good cry, but after some harsh self-examination I started to realize something -- that it was necessary for me to take more responsibility for letting people know what I needed.  And what I needed was a connection to the outside world.

Often people who are going through a major health issue feel as if they can't reach out because they might be pitied or they don't want to be categorized as "sick" or "ill" or "disabled."  They want to be seen as themselves and not a statistic.  Take me, for example.  From the get-go, there were things I "didn't want."  I didn't want to join a breast cancer support group or hear stories about a friend of a friend who'd survived.  I felt as though it would diminish my unique experience.  To this day it's still how I feel, but after several months I see that this kind of behavior can lead to a misunderstanding on the part of the people around me that being left alone is just fine.  It is not, not at all. 

Then there's the little matter of not knowing how to help.  I can't tell you how many people have told me that they didn't call or write because they "didn't know what to say."  In an effort to do the perfect thing, they let more and more time pass until they felt embarrassed to get in touch with me at all.  I think it's important to remember that there's no way that you can fix the big picture.  That's up to the doctors and nurses and health professionals.  So there's only one perfect thing to do and that's what you're capable of -- a call, a visit, an e-mail -- to let the person going through it know that you're there, that you're thinking of them.  It's worth more than you think.  

Every little text and phone call helps me get through the day.  Yes, I may have cancer, but I still love life, so when a girlfriend calls me and we can talk about the latest shoes in the Anthropologie catalog or laugh about some silly TV show that we both happened to be watching, it takes the heaviness away.

Just this morning I received a beautiful message from a woman with whom I've been friendly for a while.  She and I haven't had the opportunity to spend time together, but we've always known that there was something simpatico between us.  She wrote me that she'd included me in her meditations and that she wished me well.  It was the perfect tonic for a morning when I was needing to know that someone was thinking of me.

So it's as easy as that.  Nothing big.  Nothing profound.  Don't think you have to solve the problems of the world.  Just be there for the person you care about and do what you can.  St. Francis of Assisi is quoted as saying, "Be great in little things."  Little acts of kindness go a long way. A caring heart is like the super moon.  You may not always see it, but when it's out there, it's huge.